I've always found it difficult to describe myself. I've never felt like I fit into any sort of category. I mean, as far as personality goes, I'm just a shy, quiet girl with a kind heart.
But I feel, in some way, separated in a different sort of manner. As in, my thoughts and beliefs don't match up to most people's. I think if anything, I am defined by what I believe in, rather than my personality.
You could say I'm a dreamer. I believe in fate. In karma. Especially in true love. My mind knows no limits when it comes to defining what is in the realm of possibility. I've always been like that. I suppose it's normal for most kids to believe in all that fairy-tale stuff. But I was never able to let go of it. I'm 16 now, and my thoughts are still preoccupied with how everything happens for a reason. How it's all planned out, to lead you to your fate.
I've never admitted this to anyone, but I truly believe that there is some sort of alternate universe, another kind of world. A place so different to this, somewhere that is full of love and magic. And I feel that I belong there. I've spent a good amount of my life, waking up everyday, wondering if this is the day I discover the secret to this world. The day I finally get to make sense of this dream. I can't help but feel like there's something more out there.
This world is so.. monotonous. Just the same old thing everyday, same routine lifestyles. School, work.. everyday. But I find it very difficult to comprehend the purpose of this. I struggle with many simple things, because I can't see the point to it. As crazy as it may sound, I desperately crave excitement, adventure.. adrenaline. I constantly hope for something big to happen, to turn my life upside down. And it doesn't even matter whether it's good or bad, as long as it changes my life. I've recently realized that I'm not afraid of danger, or dying. I'm afraid of living for nothing. I need something, or someone, to live for. Or die for.
So far, I've drawn zero luck in finding anyone who believes in things like I do. It's probably why I'm so awkward socially. I can't relate to anyone. I see everything differently. For example, I feel disgusted when people talk about the hotness of guys and all that. I don't think there's anything I hate more to hear people talking about. I think, for one, that it's degrading. I would absolutely hate for someone to consider me hot. Aside from the fact that people so often seem to date each other simply for looks, I think it's also an insult. Like that's all people notice about you. Who you actually are doesn't matter. It highlights the fact that so many people are focused on appearances, rather than personality. I think it's fine to appreciate someone's beauty, but the term 'hot' also carries with it such derogatory meanings. That you're not good for anything else, that you have no real depth to your personality. A very generalized statement of course, but that's what so many people see. The one thing I have always lived by, my entire life, is that true beauty is found within. I believe that statement so much, that I've always found myself incapable of judging people by appearance. I cannot tell the difference between someone who people would consider hot or otherwise. But I don't care to. I don't ever want to judge someone like that. People think that makes me abnormal, but I just see things differently.
I have a rather strange ability to understand people very easily. To read them, see their motives and emotions. It's odd, really. But I can connect with people. Not like, talking to them, but just sensing what's on their mind. I find it easy. However, this is both a gift and a curse, I suppose. Sometimes it makes me feel guilty. I always try to help people out who need it. I'm there for anyone who wants me to be. But I can see so clearly when someone is doing something to gain attention. Making up stories, pretending to be upset or angry. I can tell. But then I feel awful, because I can't show sympathy or offer help to them, because I know that what they're saying isn't true. And it makes me feel like a cruel person, because everyone else believes them and comforts them. It's something I've learned to live with though. Most of the time, I keep to myself. I don't want to upset anyone by accusing them of things, or snapping at them. I'd prefer to just pretend I don't know what's going on and not get involved. It's very often useful, though. To me it's like the only way I can relate to people. By showing my understanding of their situation and helping them out. If that's all I have to offer, I'll be there whenever they need me.
You know, I've always wanted to have a little explosion of my thoughts. To try to put them into words, explain to people. I've never really told anyone about myself. I'm fairly sheltered. So basically, I've made this blog as a place to let go of what's on my mind. Even if my posts are fairly purposeless, it helps to clear my head. Anyways, I figured all blogs should open with some sort of introduction, so there it is. Enjoy!
xx
